A guy’s talking to a girl in a bar.
He says, “What’s your name?”
She says, “Carmen.”
He says, “That’s a nice name. Who named you, your mother?”
She says, “No, I named myself.”
He says, “Why Carmen?”
She says, “Because I like cars and I like men. What’s your name?”
He says, “Beerfuck.”

A little boy went up to his father and asked: “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?” The father replied. “Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine”

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, “Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?”

Little Stevie raised his hand and said “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette.” The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, “I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.” The teacher (smile)d, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, “I would want silicone.” The teacher said, “Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?” “Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!”

A ninety year old lady is on her way to the gynecologist due to a itchy rash in her puss… when she gets there the doctor checked her out and asked “when is the last time you’ve had sex?” the old lady tells the doctor that she is still a virgin… he checks her out again and the doctor tells the lady “I don’t really have a medical term for this, so I will be blunt…Your cherry has rotted”

Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman’s tits best, " the first guy says.
The second says “I like to look at a woman’s ass.” He asks the third guy “What about you?”. “Me? I prefer to see the top of her head.”

A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says “I thought you only drank blood?” The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says “I’m making tea”.

[quote=samank]تاپیک خوبیه.
بد ندیدم داستانهای Chicken Soup for Soul رو توصیه کنم. یک راه برای بدست آوردن مجانی داستان عضویت در صفحه فیس بوک به همان نام فوق است.[/quote]

مرسی از لطفت
پیجی که معرفی کردی خوبه، ولی من اینجا دارم جوک های سکسی میذارم در حالی که اونا بیشتر داستان های کوتاه و نه الزاما سکسی هستن. ولی در هر صورت ممنون. آدرس پیج هم جهت استفاده سایر دوستان اینه:
https://www.facebook.com/ChickenSoupfortheSoul

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses’ wife instead. “I’m afraid he died last week.” she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. “I told you” the wife replies, “he died last week.” The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, “I’VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?” “Coz,” he replied laughing, “I just love hearing it…”

A guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. He was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument. So after storming away, and cooling off, the guy had a think. He was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused.
So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he’d buy her a gift. “Any thing at all, my love”, the guy said, overcome with remorse. “Oh, I don’t know”, she replied, “You really shouldn’t do this you know. But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don’t need.”
The following day he booked her in for chemotherapy.

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says “But sir, its just a sperm bank!”, “I don’t care, open it now!!!” he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says “Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!”, she looks at him “BUT, they are sperm samples???” , “DO IT!”. So the nurse sucks it back. “That one there, drink that one as well.”, so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, “See honey - its not that hard.”

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “FUCK YOU”

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window…

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

“Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor?

“Yes, checking for abnormalities.” she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”

Finally, he tells her to take off her pantie, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?”

She replies, “Yes, getting herpes - that’s why I am here!”

Q: When is a man most intelligent, before, after or during sex?
A: During sex because he’s plugged up to the knowledge source:)

Sex is like math. Add a bed, Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs, and pray you don’t Multiply!

Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say “don’t” and if he touches your pussy say “stop”? Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said “don’t stop”

Q: How do you properly fuck a fat woman?

A: Role her around in flower and find the wet spot!

What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother!

بچه ها مثل اینکه زیاد دوس ندارین. یعنی میگین در اینجا رو تخته کنم؟